the flipped image

as i was unemployed during the months prior the trip i had plenty of time. in my imagination i would spend it with all the things i enjoy doing whilst slowly oranising the trip. in between i would see my friends and family as much as possible.

the thing with imagination is that it is only imagination. when i vision my perfect day - where i am getting up early in the morning, being productive and happy, do sports and do not have any backpain, eat and enjoy yummy selfmade food - a sneaky little voice inside my head alredy tells me that this might not happen. at least maybe 99% of the time. i did not paint, i didn’t read many books, i procrastinated on planning the trip as long as i could and got really nervous about the easiest tasks later. a lot of the time i was simply very tired.

80 days before we planned to leave on the first of march tim drew small boxes with the upcoming dates inside for us to cross out. we wrote to do lists, tim spend countless hours on our bikes (especially mine). he replaced every screw that was not looking too good anymore and made sure we would have all the spare parts and needed tools. i oftentimes felt as if i was doing nothing but cooking some food for us, enviously admiring his patience and accuracy and his imagination about what could possibly happen to us and eventually break on the bikes. besides that i stressed too much, which made me feel bad and unhappy. to be honest i sometimes felt no hope and trust in myself and my ability, i felt small and weak and as if i was wrong for having such a “negative” mindset. an exboyfriend once told me that i was not strong enough for such a trip, too emotional, too sensitive. eventhough i do know that i can be fucking strong if i really want something and that such a statement is absolute bullshit, it has accompanied me since then. back then i was planning to do this trip all alone by myself. having tim with me means a lot, sharing the expierence, the ups and downs, the most beautiful nightskys, crystal clear lakes to swim in and looking at the most geogeous mountain ranges. thats my daydream, my vision, my imagination about what it is going to feel like. those things that keep you going, that reward you for all your sweat, all the tears, the frustration and demotivation. those moments will be there, there will be plenty of them.

i spent much more time with my family during the last months and i also thought a lot more about them. same with some friends. i didn’t expect leaving them to be as hard to me as it is right now. not knowing when we will come back and at what point loved ones are going to visit is crazily terrifying.
a friend of mine asked me at which point i would consider our journey a failure. not being on the road for several years, as planned, for example or taking a plane instead of just riding the bike or using other forms of transport. that question led to another question i asked myself: why am i doing this trip? it it about australia, is it about travelling slowly, is it about seeing the world, getting out of the ordinary way of life, feeling myself every day, feeling the pain, the exhaustion, the excitement about the unexpected? how do i want to live, where do i want to live and who do i want to be? those questions.

testing our setup

we plan on starting in about ten days, it still feels like a shitload of work but i do know now that it is myself who puts that pressure on myself, no one else does. my fears about this trip and about me capturing it, are all selfmade problems. in a few months i probably wont remember how i feel now, i am going to wish me back to this cosy, warm flat, with everything available at almost anytime. but that is just my imagination. it grasps you with your darkest dreams and it is at the same time able to draw a picture of everything you ever wanted, a vision of the best life. our imaginations keep us alive and get us going, poke us towards certain directions that may offer a better view, a shelter, new horizons. but an image always has two sides, and when it gets flipped upside down, it brings all the doubts, insecurities and fears. i, myself flipped that image, i can’t see that picture anymore, that beautiful one, filled with all the light hopes and dreams and flipping it back feels almost impossible sometimes.

i do wonder if i would have struggled less during the last months if i had worked a normal job. being too busy with life to get the spiral of thoughts inside of me running. i will never find an answer to this question and that’s ok. nevertheless i will be able to look back at my bad imaginations, fears and doubs in some time and will laugh about it . either because of happiness and the fact that i found out they were all pretty much useless fears; or, because of despair and the fact that i will struggle with much more “real” problems: finding a place to warm up after a whole day of riding in the rain for examle.

i am excited to find out.